Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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