It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
