i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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