oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
