i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
