A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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