a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
