He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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