onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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