Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
