I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
