Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
