I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
