I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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