I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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