I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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