she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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