Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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