She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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