Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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