I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Your cock deserves a montage
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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