My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
