your thong is hanging out like whoa
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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