so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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