I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
