so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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