We're like a lot better than the average bears
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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