I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
