There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
