just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You may now shotgun with the bride
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
