Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
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