i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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