I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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