I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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