is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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