someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We are all done wearing pants today
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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