I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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