I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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