I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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