tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
