hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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