i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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