Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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