and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You're like the curious george of whores
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
