i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
