They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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