He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
