I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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