tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize