i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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