If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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