I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
