when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
