Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
