last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
