Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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