stop calling my apartment porn island.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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