The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
