I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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